The sweetness of her voice carried over the phone as we discussed a time to meet. I could hear unspoken nerves waivering through. She’s working through something, I thought to myself. I wonder what her story is.

“I would never do this for myself.”

— Tia

Sitting across from each other for the first time, I could see Tia was finding a way to express exactly why she was there. “I would never do this for myself,” the words escaping her lips like the carbonation from an untapped bottle of soda. “I’m doing this for my boyfriend. He’s good to me - he’s too good to me.” Her fingers twisted her ring as she continued. “He thinks I’m beautiful. I’ve never thought I was - but he does and he wants nice pictures of me, pretty pictures. He wants me to see my pretty.”

A gentle smile overtaking my face, I was delighted she had the courage to meet with me. I could see what her boyfriend saw, the gentleness in her eyes, the warm glow of her skin, a sweet and nurturing spirit beaming from her. You could tell she loved the people in her life fiercely.

”How do you want to see yourself?” I asked, leaning in to hear her answer.

She stammered for a moment, not quite sure how to answer.

”It’s okay. Take your time. It’s a tough question to answer.”

Tia laughed nervously.

Her blue eyes studied me intently. ”I want to feel good about myself. I want to look young and fresh - how I feel inside. I want to see how Tom sees me. I want to see I’m beautiful.” Her answer was monotone but earnest.

”What makes someone beautiful to you?” I prompted, further delving into how she may want to get to know herself.

The sun began to set behind the treeline as she began to answer. A ray of light splayed across her golden hair as she said “Oh, I don’t know. I think when people are happy. I think Happy is beautiful.”

The soft smile on my face grew. “I like that. When are you happiest?”

Tia went on to explain how Tom made her feel, how she’d been in difficult relationships before with people who always wanted more or better from her even when she was trying her hardest. Her cheeks flushed as she talked about how he treated her like a princess, how he loved her and doted on her and how she couldn’t believe she’d met someone who cherished her. It made her start to feel differently about herself, a change I could even see unfolding right in front of my eyes as her shoulders relaxed and her face became more animated as she talked about her time with Tom.

She was ready to start loving herself.

There's a fire that's burned since 1962 in a small town in Pennsylvania called Centralia. Originally a coal mining town, Centralia was once full of life. Nearly sixty years ago now, Centralia's thriving promise took a devastating turn when a coal vein caught fire. As coal veins run deep into the earth, the fire has had an endless source of fuel to feed on. Now, the town is mostly abandoned save a few dwindling members. The ground has become unstable the longer the fire has continued to burn out the layers beneath. The air constantly stinks of smoke and ash. It's truly a sorrowful situation.

We've all been wronged. We've all been betrayed and demeaned. Many of us have been hurt by our closest loved ones. That pain? It can run deep. There's a conscious moment where we decide what to do with our pain. We can either forgive and work through it or we can wallow in it and let it fester.

Festering pain leads to bitterness which will run deep within us, just like a burning coal vein. It will eat away at our joy, happiness and the positive aspects of who we are. If we let it, it will consume us. We will reek of anger and disparity repelling our friends and family. We will collapse from within and our lives will be hollow and lonely.

Forgiveness is powerful. It can be the more difficult choice but it is life changing. It releases you, it releases the person who wronged you. It builds your character and impact instead of tearing you down.

Bitterness is a choice just as much as forgiveness. If you don't release if, it's going to eat you away.

"I never thought this whole aging thing would affect me... but it really has. Probably because of the toxic relationship I was in - so I feel and look much older than I probably would have. I didn't take care of myself because of the stress and depression I was going through at the time. My body, skin, hair, nails, face - pretty much everything in a matter of just a few years has changed drastically. The stress didn't help." Her story resounded with a deep note in my heart, a pain I carried for years. That voice still clear in my own head "you are worthless." 

You see, our brains are wired to find proof and come to conclusions. Two plus two equals four, an equation that comes to the exact same conclusion every time. Therefore, this equation, this conclusion is proof and truth. We are told "the earth is round;" We are taught foundational truths about how life works, what is important and what is unimportant. We are shown photographs, charts, personal experiences, all this data that supports the claim that we are worthless, that we are ugly, that we are less than. The more often we hear these statements and the more people we hear them from, our brain and our understanding and our beliefs accept "The Earth is round - this is fact."

“We believe that it must be true, that we are worthless and no one cares.”

When we are told time and again, "you are worthless," "you're not smart," "you're ugly," "no one cares about you," "you're a waste of space" "you're too old to be pretty" our brains begin to wire themselves to that belief system. We believe that it must be true because the equation adds up to the conclusion that we are worthless and no one cares. Our perspective and perception is influenced and we begin to act from those beliefs. For each person, the pain of not mattering looks different. It can be manifested in depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempts. It can be manifested in obsessive weight gain or weight loss, plastic surgery glorification, constant appearance maintenance, appearance and action compulsion. We desperately seek to prove the conclusion wrong by altering ourselves and seeking other measures of success and worth.

As women, we are often told that we don't measure up, that we aren't capable. We are given specific standards to live up to - standards that eliminate the benefits of a diverse gender. Once we hit 27, we're no longer "pretty." Once we're in our 30's we'd better try and "rescue our youth." Once we hit 40, we're just bitter hags. Once we're 50, we're gruff, abrasive and too big for ourselves. All of these standards combined with toxic environments, self doubt and insecurities leave as wanting to be more or something different and forgetting that we are wonderful creatures. 

“Once we hit 27, we’re no longer “pretty.” Once we’re in our 30’s we’d better try and “rescue our youth.” Once we hit 40, we’re just bitter hags. Once we’re 50, we’re gruff, abrasive and too big for ourselves.”

It can be painful and difficult to remember who we REALLY are and who we were created to be when so many factors are tearing at us. Seek out people who will surround you with love and positivity. Celebrate yourself; celebrate being you. You ARE beautiful. You have worth  Embrace how you feel - the good and the bad thoughts; honor and love on those feelings and know that you are not alone, KNOW that you are loved deeply. This transformation is going to accentuate the beauty you already possess. You'll get there. Keep fighting. Keep your head up. Keep loving on you.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

— Psalm 139:13-16

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The air was thick with anticipation. I kept sweeping the studio floorboards to keep my mind and body focused. The soft rhythmic rustling of the stiff straw strands of my broom against the floor’s grooves has always soothed my thoughts. I’d never met my client or her daughter - the one being photographed - in person before. We’d talked over the phone and through emails but we’d be meeting face to face for the first time. It’s always exciting to meet someone new for the first time. A streak of light flashed across the floor where I was sweeping. I looked up, out through the sheer curtains to see a car pulling up.

April entered first, Sophia slightly behind her. Their soft presence was lined with their own anticipation. As we sat to talk, Sophia’s meekness became apparent. She was quieter than a mouse - not even figuratively. In fact, I barely heard her speak two sentences the whole time I spent together. Her intent, listening eyes were left to tell her story. April was great about asking Sophia questions, relaying information and reassuring her. I considered the best ways to bring a level of comfort to Sophia’s nerves.

We walked through her leotards and decided on the best one to start with first. Sophia chose a simple black leotard to wear and went to change. April suggested she stay out of sight while Sophia danced and I agreed that if she wanted, she could make herself comfortable in our salon. Then Sophia came out, ready to start.

Within seconds, Sophia’s reserved, meek disposition melted away and the bold, strong girl she is revealed herself. The moment she began to dance, she was a thriving, lively spirit. She threw herself into every dip and twirl with grace and strength. It was mesmerizing. A few times I just took in the movement of her dance to truly appreciate the heart with which she danced and watch to capture it the next round we did. Her strength, boldness and confidence shown in every move. It was beautiful to see such riveting contrast in one human - spectacular in all forms.

By the end of her session, Sophia returned to her meek demeanor, though the confidence she’d connected with could be clearly seen. She stood shoulders squared, intently watching. As they left, not an inkling of anxiety was left, nor a need to be soothed. I did, however, return to sweeping the floor - because great sessions always create messes!