Facing MYSELF at my "worst"
Standing in front of my full length bedroom mirror, I wasn't faced with self-loathing. I was, however, uncomfortable and fighting the urge to cringe. "But wait, I'm happy with myself" rang in my ears followed by an almost inaudible"...or, am I?" I covered myself and made sure I couldn't be seen. I told my husband to ignore me as I called myself an elephant, to which he lovingly declined. This was three days ago. That moment has sat with me since and, now, I'm ready to face it... sort of. Often, when referring to love, I see the quote "if he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best." When facing MYSELF at my "worst," I feel shameful to admit that I don't hold myself to that same standard. It's incredibly easy for me to be excited about "self love" when I'm happy with who I am and happy with my appearance. Over this last year, I've been gaining weight and have gradually stopped looking in the mirror. I encouraged myself that it was because I was learning to love who I was and not what I looked like - I struggle with those lines getting blurry. While that's where my intentions started, I let my health slip and then I started to let my exploration-of-loving-me-for-me turn into an avoidance of the mirror. I noticed the little cornerstones - the extra rolls, my thighs rubbing together and the development of my less-than-defined jawline. I wasn't used to this. I've always been a fairly athletically built person and so, I kept telling myself "I probably think I look worse than I do." There's SO much truth in that statement and, yet, I started to use it asa tool of denial and avoidance. The moment I was embarrassed of what I saw, I realized I needed to address the problem - a problem that goes beyond my appearance. I'm getting back to being healthy and more fit and I'm also focusing back in on myself so that I can cultivate self love. My biggest lesson from this is that it is easy to love ourselves when we are in our "ideal" state but we also need to love ourselves at our "worst." #embracingme