Be Where You Need to Be
I'm conflicted on writing this post. I'm uncomfortable. While I talk fairly openly about living with depression, I usually stray away from sharing whilst I'm amidst the deeper struggles. It's difficult, not only on a personal level but a professional level, sharing openly. I feel the need for a nap creeping up as I continue. . . I often fear the repercussions and shy away from sharing what could truly damage me. As I type this out, I'm trying to convince myself it would be okay not to post this. Fact is, there's a reason this is on my heart and I'm going to trust that small voice.
The past two months have been a struggle; my mind and body especially weighted by the cold, dreary weather that's been extending its stay. I've needed sunshine and green life. I've felt like I'm wasting away without it. I've had a couple bouts of depression in this time which have left me with little energy, struggling to get out of bed or out of the house and eventually this state also brought several rounds of colds. I've hardly seen my studio as of late. My work has come home with me - a fact I've felt guilty about. "I have a studio for a reason and a comfortable separation of home life and work" my brain keeps reminding me. I haven't gotten as much work done as I would like but, I'm still okay. I'm still following through, and I've prioritized well enough to only work on what's necessary.
Most importantly, I've been working on being gracious to myself, knowing that if this were the flu I'd be giving myself all the time I needed to rest and heal. I've been reminding myself it's okay to be home. And today, as I'm starting to come out of this darkness, I've let myself be where I need to be - at home, outside in the sun with my puppies, breathing fresh air, drinking water, running my toes through the grass, appreciating the twinkling of the sunlight through the emerging leaves, feeling the warm breeze against my skin and listening to the birds calling. I'll get to the work awaiting my attention on my dining room table, I trust myself. For now, I'm focused on being exactly where I need to be and it's my wish you can do the same for you when you need it.